movie date with Puisin and Bingzhen. of course, it's definitely so good to see that workaholic after so long! hispanic!!!! haha. i know working is impt but don't neglect your health okay? :)

movie was okay, lunch was good (never touch long john for so long! ), and shopping was alright (u all know la, i don't really shop. my mum does it all the time) and of course, the chat with that workaholic was really not bad. we only realised that we missed all that simplicity in school :(

okay. i admit that i was feeling kind of lonely when everyone started to leave for their own gatherings. i felt kind of lost. i roamed around for a while. saw this bench outside Vivo and i saw a reflection of myself. 2 mths back then, i sat at that particular bench for 1 hour. i teared and i wrote my feelings down in the notebook. i was upset, really upset. 

but now, the meishan is up again. not tearing. u can even find me smiling at times :) isn't that an achievement? i thought it was not bad. what do you think?

okay. fine! i am not afraid to admit. i do feel lonely at times, i felt most of the times. given my job scope, i have to travel alone most of the times. even to have lunch all by myself. i even tried having lunch in town just by standing up and gobbling down those lunch boxes all alone. at least i have my i touch with me, if not i will be pretty much upset.

so lonely meishan hops onto bus 30 and there she decides to go to her ah ma's house. it has been a long long time ever since i last visited ah ma, ah chek they all. i was thinking since i had a long weekend, why not visit them?

i had great conversations with ah chek again. i really love my ah chek. he is one knowledgeable guy in this world who makes me feel that i have so much to learn. in fact, till now, i still tell him how much i love him in my msges to him. (where i haven't done that to my own dad. i am still trying on that!). i really respect him alot. he asked me about him. i told him that we had broke up. Ah chek smiled at me.  He said: " You are still young. Take your time."

Ah ma sent me to the bus stop on my way home. This time round, ah ma asked me: " Are you still with your boyfriend?" I said no.

Ah ma smiled again. actually in this world, i can say that my ah ma is one of the few that knows me best. She knows that despite i had a bad mouth (not as in really bad, but i don't always say nice things), she knows that i have the softest heart. she advised me to soften my temper and to say sweeter things. she said that eventually i will find the right guy and she is waiting for that day. She is waiting for me to get married and to give birth to kids. she wants to be present on my wedding day and even to carry kids.

shit man. i m really tearing now. why? because i don't wanna to grow up. seeing ah ma now being so weak and skinny, i know that she is growing older day by day. i don't want all that!!! i really don't want. i will never want ah ma to leave me to another world. i don't want. i just want ah ma. i want ah ma to live till old old and to see me through many more stages of my life.

dear blog, do u know something? my poor ah ma suffered so much in her early years. she lost her mother when she was 12 and lost her father when she was 14. being the youngest, she had to stay with her brother and often got scoldings and bullies from her sister-in-law. she got married at 18 to my grand-dad who was mentally not healthy. he always went around the house with a chopper and threatens to kill her. she was always bullied by her sister-in-laws. then, her parent-in-law chased her out of the house leaving her with her 2 kids- my dad and my ah chek. they were homeless. then, she worked her through and brought the 2 kids up.

it is until now, she starts to enjoy life a bit more. she starts to have me, pujio and meiyu. she took good care of me since i was borned. we were so closed then. i was a young terror who always demands a lot from her. when she refused to buy me toys, i will pull her pants down and cry and make a big fuss. yes, i m those typical terror u see nowadays. 

however, ah ma never beats me nor scold me. she is forever so loving to me. she kisses me all over, calls me "ji bye" (where i will also call her ji bye back! ) u guys may think it is so vulgar, but until u all witness how we do that, u will realise that it is not.

i really don't wanna to grow up. i wanna to go back to those days to be the small terror. 

sometimes, i m really tired. i have so much to share, so much burden to bear. i wished i have a pillar to lean on. a voice that says he will listen. a smile that calms me down. a hug that tells me i m not a lone.

sometimes, i really think i m not strong at all. but tell me who? who can i trust again? who can i cry to again?

yeah, i am ego. most prob i won't let anyone know a lot more about my feelings, because i m ego or rather i also don't know how to tell, who to tell.

u know what? sometimes, when u are being pulled out the blackhole and u thought u found your new path, only to realise that u are being pushed back into the blackhole again. this time, a deeper blackhole.

no. don't be mistaken. i m not trying to say it is anyone's faults. 

it's just me. weak and vulnerable.

acting strong while it's all empty inside.

don't worry friends, meishan is still strong.  i still can push myself a bit more because i still have this blog to listen.

life is all in my own hands. i know one day i will be out of this blackhole again.